BLOG: Stay connected to others for more peace

The literature is clear. Those who enjoy rich social connections live longer.

In fact, longevity may be more strongly connected to a healthy social network than cholesterol, blood sugar or blood pressure. Moreover, rich relationships may be the best predictor of well-being and high performance.

Shawn Achor, in his landmark book The Happiness Advantage: How a Positive Brain Fuels Success in Work and Life, posits that the depth and meaning of our social connections are a key determinant of our happiness.

One of the challenges of the medical vocation is to maintain lasting and enduring social ties. I have found a mere few minutes of my day devoted to signaling to others that I have been thinking of them has kept many a good friendship in excellent repair.

The quick text

A habit I have cultivated over the years has been to record landmark events in the lives of others on my cell phone. The death of a loved one, birthdays and wedding anniversaries all populate my daily calendar. I make it a point to survey this list and send out a barrage of texts to my friends who are either celebrating or mourning on that particular day. This is one of the first things I do in the morning, and the total time allotment is miniscule.

This habit has not only kept me connected to my friends, but also affords me with a deep sense of purpose and meaning that I made a difference in the life of someone else.

Recovery anniversary

A powerful sign of good will is to congratulate someone in recovery from drug or alcohol abuse on their sobriety anniversary. This day is an enormously important date for my many hero friends in recovery. These noble souls have overcome inordinate adversity and trials, and deserve to be congratulated for their triumph. The mere fact that someone has acknowledged this affirms their accomplishment and may provide an incredible sense of connection.

Loss of loved one

Anniversaries of deaths can be incredibly trying for all of us. Grief never fully disappears; it simply become more manageable.

When I lost my identical twin on Jan. 10, 2022, I began to dread the upcoming death anniversaries. When I receive a thoughtful text on that day, I am reminded that I am not alone in my grief. Similarly, I record death dates of friends and extended family and do my best to extend a quick text reminder that my thoughts and prayers are with that grieving soul.

Loving text

Many friends are enduring extreme hardship, whether it is illness, prolonged grief or emotional strife. I set weekly reminders to text these few during the difficult times. A close friend’s wife was enduring brain cancer, and I did my best to remind them of continual prayers or simply a kind word to let them know that they were not alone in their suffering. Another dear friend is suffering from a chronic neurologic disorder. I endeavor to call him every week to let him know that I am in his corner.

No man or woman is an island

We are all connected. Encrypted on my brother’s tombstone are the words of John Donne: “Don’t ask for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”

My brother Mike recognized that the death of another affects all of humanity, as we are all connected. Similarly, major life events in others are to be shared by all as we are all part of one “human family.”

Law of karma

We reap what we sow. We can decide today to wallow in despair and allow our stressors to consume us, or we can be a continual force of loving kindness to many. When we extend a sincere, loving act of concern for others, we will be blessed in return.

Commit

Again, the overall time allotment for this practice is meager. I have committed to perform my “text barrage” early in the morning, after my prayers and quiet time.

From this simple practice, I approach the day with a renewed sense of meaning and purpose, knowing I made a small difference in easing the burden of a friend.

I have also used this for a vehicle of forgiveness. I now include those who have offended me in the past. I recognize life is too short to harbor resentment. I have such precious little emotional reserve that there is no room for unresolved bitterness or ill will in my life. My family and my patients deserve all of me.

References:

Achor S. The happiness advantage: How a positive brain fuels success in work and life. Crown Currency; 2010.

Yang YC, et al. Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 2016;doi:10.1073/pnas.1511085112.

For more information:

John D. Kelly IV, MD, is a professor of orthopedic surgery at the University of Pennsylvania and can be reached at john.kelly@pennmedicine.upenn.edu.