BLOG: Develop more realistic and compassionate regard for yourself
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Key takeaways:
- Self-compassion is essentially kindness directed inward.
- When you are kind to yourself, you will have more to give to family, friends and patients.
There is much written about the virtue of compassion, which literally means “to suffer together.” A more practical definition would be sympathetic awareness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.
A compassionate disposition to the pain and misfortune of others has been linked to increased well-being and peace of both the patient and provider. However, the notion of “self-compassion” is equally important and is an essential virtue for the successful lifelong practice of orthopedic surgery. Many of us berate ourselves often, especially after a less- than-optimal surgical result. This self-reproach erodes confidence, suffocates joy and compromises our ability to face the next challenge.
When we can learn to be kinder to ourselves and recognize that we are all imperfect, energy drains are lessened, and we become better prepared to embrace whatever befalls us.
Principles of self-compassion
Self-compassion can be thought of as containing the following three essential components:
self-kindness, an appreciation of our interconnectedness and mindfulness. However, in its essence, self-compassion is essentially kindness directed inward. Self-compassion is most necessary when we are reminded of personal inadequacies and encounter mistakes and failures.
Everyone has the capacity to learn to become our own best ally and nurture ourselves through trying times with a self-compassionate mindset. We can acknowledge our problems and shortcomings, but without judgment, so that we can maintain the energy needed to help ourselves.
Origins of the self-critic
Many of us endured the hardship of a hypercritical parent or caregiver who demanded perfection in all things. An overly exacting teacher or coach may have similarly instilled the false notion that mistakes equal failure. These messages are falsehoods and will not serve us well in the long run.
The inner critic manifests most frequently during stress, and it is best to recognize this “voice” is merely a false narrative of the past. My father was a World War II Marine Corps drill instructor who demanded perfection from me, especially in athletics. Although his intentions were noble, the “voice” of the Marine still haunts me in stressful situations. Thankfully, by adopting a self-compassionate inclination, the distorted voices have been held at bay.
A more self-compassionate posture can be developed even in the most self-flagellating surgeon; yet it will take some time. The realization and incorporation of the following insights have greatly mitigated my “self-reproach” index:
Mistakes help me grow. Every master surgeon has arrived at a high level of excellence only by continual refinement of technique. Such proficiency can only be realized by the commission of innumerable mistakes. Indeed, our errors are our best teachers and prompt us to seek effective alternatives. A growth mindset is essential, recognizing that we have the innate capacity to become better. No one mastered this craft without failing innumerable times.
One can detach from the “voice.” When a case is not going as expected, the “Marine” voice surely will manifest. I simply accept this for what it is (a lie) and let it play in the background. Suppression or avoidance will only give negative thoughts more power. I attend to the present moment and with the practice of watching but not believing, the voice of the inner critic eventually passes.
Perfection is an illusion. The human condition is one of imperfection, and we are not alone in our suffering. Everyone misses goals and fails at some point, which is normal. When we recognize that, we foster a spirit of community with humankind and not feel isolated or defective.
I can reframe “mishaps.” Martin Seligman in his masterpiece Learned Optimism mentions the importance of placing mistakes in perspective to lessen the temptation to berate ourselves. We can develop an optimistic explanatory style when faced with challenges. Seligman’s three traits of optimists, which can be learned, are the following:
- Setbacks are temporary, not permanent. Whenever you find yourself thinking “I always make the wrong incision,” replace the inner dialogue with “I made an incorrect incision, but the next one will be great.”
- Optimists view challenges specific to the situation. Pessimists generalize failure. For example, if one case doesn’t go well, the entire day was not a failure. Your whole day was not a disaster.
- Optimists reframe problems and recognize forces beyond their control. For example, the older patient with diabetes on an anticoagulant medication who failed a rotator cuff repair was not your fault.
Develop a more realistic and compassionate regard for yourself. When you are kind to yourself, you will have more to give to family, friends and patients. Here are some suggestions to develop a more compassionate self:
- Become aware of the inner critic and recognize stressful situations that prompt it to manifest.
- Watch out for this voice and don’t believe it. Let it simply play in the background and remember the present moment is your anchor.
- Write down critical thoughts and rebuke these with rational answers.
References:
Dweck CS. Mindsets: Developing talent through a growth mindset. Olympic Coach. 2009;21: 4-7.
Germer CK, et al. J Clin Psychol. 2013;doi:10.1002/jclp.22021.
MacBeth A, et al. Clin Psychol Rev. 2012;doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003.
https://www.healio.com/news/orthopedics/20120325/mindfulness-and-awareness-tools-we-can-use-to-become-better-orthopedic-surgeons
Merriam-Webster Dictionary; 2002. Available at: http://www. mw. com/home.
Coleman M. Make peace with your mind: How mindfulness and compassion can free you from your inner critic. New World Library, 2016.
Saiz J, et al. Self-compassion and social connectedness as predictors of peace and meaning during Spain’s initial COVID-19 lockdown. Religions. 2021;12: 683.
Tehranineshat B, et al. J Natl Med Assoc. 2019;doi:10.1016/j.jnma.2019.04.002.
Seligman M. Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. 2006.
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