BLOG: We see others as we are
Each of us perceives reality differently. Our experience, beliefs, education, formation and collective hurts all influence how we see the world and others.
All of us possess mental filters that influence our interpretations of reality. Prejudices, biases, inaccurate beliefs and our mood can all cloud and make impossible an accurate depiction of what is truly before us.
For example, if we are having a “bad hair day,” the most negative construction of an occurrence will likely permeate our minds. The slow, inconsiderate and inept driver ahead is in reality 83 years old and on his way to the hospital to see his dying wife. The patient complaining of inordinate pain after a surgery becomes a “wimp” or substance abuser rather than someone who may have an underlying infection. The overly protective and “enabling” parent of a 21-year-old patient with an ACL tear, in truth, recently lost another child due to cancer.
When we can learn to truly see things as they are and not inject judgment, we are well on our way to inner peace. Moreover, we can learn a great deal about ourselves from our negative emotions; these hold great instructive value to our need for healing. Every negative emotion elicited when we encounter someone contains a powerful lesson for our growth. We will then discover that whomever we encounter can become an effective teacher for our inner growth.
In his powerful classic Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Better Person, Hugh Prather writes about two common perceptions of others or events that are especially powerful in affording the opportunity for real growth. Specifically, what you may find annoying in another and “what pushes your buttons” may hold the key for quantum self-discovery.
What we perceive as annoying or distasteful in another may, in reality, be a projection of something within ourselves with which we are wrestling. For example, if you are at a cocktail party and you spot someone who you deem is a “social climber,” Prather would argue there may be some measure of that trait within you. Again, we tend to project our inner reality onto others.
When we find ourselves in the midst of an unusually profound emotional reaction, Prather reasons that some old hurt was likely activated within you. Most of these hurts emanate from childhood and if you were the object of a critical parent, any mention of your inadequacies may trigger an exuberant emotion reaction. When the emotion does not match “the fact,” there is an old hurt ripe for healing.
When we recognize that untoward emotions are our best teachers, we can engage the practice of awareness and learn to observe, not become, these emotions. Once we can learn to separate ourselves from our thinking, we can become freer to take a step back and witness how our hurts affect what we believe we are seeing. We can then ask ourselves what inner insecurity or old hurt was just triggered. When we can muster the courage to face our own brokenness, we will truly begin to heal the world.
Become aware of when we are seeing the world through gray-colored glasses. Once we become aware that we are projecting our reality onto the world, we can decide to do otherwise and choose love. We can decide to look for all that is good in life and in others. When we consciously decide to become a love finder rather than critic, we will gradually rewire our brains to become more positive.
A love-finding disposition will help us heal ourselves of our baggage. As we see others, we see ourselves and what we put out to the universe will come back to either bless or stress us.
Every emotion we feel originated with a thought. Recognize when automatic negative and judgmental thoughts overtake you and examine your thinking. Once you challenge negative thoughts and recognize these do not match reality, the thoughts will lose their power and grip over you.
“We don’t see things the way they are. We see them the way we are.” – Talmud
Reference:
Prather H. Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person. Bantam, 1983.
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