BLOG: Celebrate the art of looking within
In his celebrated classic The Way to Love: The Last Mediations of Anthony de Mello, Anthony de Mello, Indian priest and psychotherapist, illustrates the path to a more peaceful and loving world.
In short, taking a good hard look at what is going on inside of us is more transformative than blaming others for our pain. de Mello labels this “simple, beautiful but painful” discipline the art of looking. When negative emotions arise, such as anger or irritation toward another, rather than looking at the one you hold is causing your pain, look within yourself. de Mello entreats the reader not to ask what is wrong the person you perceive to be causing your pain, but rather ask, “What does this irritation teach me about myself?” What provokes us about another usually contains powerful insights about ourselves.
de Mello offers three powerful lessons that negative emotions triggered by another may hold.
Projection
Perhaps the reason a person’s “issues” annoy you is that you possess them yourself. Many of us repress our deficiencies in character and simply project them onto others, especially those closest to us. de Mello asks the reader to seek alignment of what annoys you in others into your own heart. There is a good chance you are struggling with the same issue you are finding fault with in another. Once aware of this, you may ultimately become grateful for the self-discovery that the “irksome” behavior in others may generate.
Denial
Is it possible that what another says or does that annoys you points out something in your life that you merely refuse to see? Some of our baggage is hard to embrace, and denial is a powerful means of deferring psychic pain for another time. However, it has been said that “feedback is the breakfast of champions” because we can grow most effectively when we name our stuff.
Acclaimed novelist James Baldwin once said, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” It takes a great amount of courage to look at our failings straight in the eye; yet this is the path to real growth.
Unrealistic expectations
Our expectations of others may be exceedingly high and breed continual frustration. de Mello notes we are, in one way or another, the result of our programming. Many of us have been hard wired to levy unattainable expectations on others and disappointment or irritation is sure to ensue. When we demand so much from others, we will be deprived of joy and peace because we will live in a continual state of disappointment.
Surely there will be behaviors that will arise which truly do violate your dignity, such as cruelty or dishonesty. However, de Mello conveys that anger and irritation will only cloud our judgment and diminish our effectiveness in preserving our boundaries. He is also quick to point out that many individuals, when faced with what we perceive as “offensive” behavior from others, will feel no annoyance. We are not to be in bondage to the expectations our parents infused into us. It has been said that expectations are “premeditated resentment.”
Real freedom
Recognize everyone is doing the best they can at each moment. When we judge, we descend into negative energy and forfeit any semblance of joy.
We are all a composite of experience, programming, genetics and old pain. We have no right to judge one another, especially if we have never walked in another person’s shoes. Indeed, to understand all is to forgive all.
Create the world you want by being kind. Learn from those who offend you and remember emotions are contagious. We create a loving and peaceful life by being loving and peaceful.
References:
de Mello A. The Way to Love: The Last Mediations of Anthony de Mello. Image, 1995.
Quotation Celebration November 2017. Available at: https://quotationcelebration.wordpress.com/2017.
Collapse
de Mello A. The Way to Love: The Last Mediations of Anthony de Mello. Image, 1995.