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Vulnerability and shame can work for you
Brene Brown, a shame researcher of TED Talk fame, operates a blog website, www.ordinarycourage.com. There, she chronicles everyday situations related to issues blocking our growth as individuals — and by extension, in my opinion, as professionals. Her research has shown that there is a direct relationship between vulnerability and innovation, creativity and imagination. The more vulnerable we are the more innovative, creative and imaginative we become. However, she discovered this connection not by researching vulnerability, but by researching shame.
Shame can be expressed as, “look what I did — I’m bad, I’m a failure.” Interestingly, shame is inversely related to the amount of innovation, creativity and imagination expressed in our lives. Shame thus appears to be a stumbling block to vulnerability and by extension our growth and success. Why is this?
One reason could be that shame causes us to isolate from one another. When we feel we’re not good enough, can’t hack it, can’t stand the heat, or don’t measure up, then we retreat. We separate ourselves from sharing (vulnerability) cooperative endeavors with others. We take what we did, and instead of holding it up to where we want to be, we hide it deep inside as a reflection of us.
Brown goes so far as to make the comment that surgeons are taught to “suture” their self worth to their performance – not unlike many physician assistants I know. But is that really where we want to be? Do we want to be separate, isolated and shameful? We will make mistakes undoubtedly.
There is a small step for mankind (but a huge leap for our psyches) away from shame – but it is a step we need to make if we are to thrive, create, innovate and cooperate in our practices. It is making the move from, “look what I did – I’m a failure,” to, “look what I did – I did something wrong.”
You can substitute many words for “wrong” – inappropriate, unfair, unethical and poorly – but the intent is the same? It is not the “who” we are that is “wrong,” it’s the “what” we “did.” It is looking squarely at what we “did” next to where we want to be, and using the difference in standard to guide us forward.
Brown says we need to develop shame resilience to help lead us back towards vulnerability. Resisting the “I’m a failure” private self-messages in favor of the “I can do better” messages. Being willing to fail (vulnerable), but not being willing to be a failure (shame). Bring back the vulnerability in your life, and enjoy the fruits of your labors once again.