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‘Silver’ lessons: To love is to listen
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My wife, Marie, and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.
I planned a 5-day getaway to Bermuda, where we blessed to have sunny skies and pink beaches. One fine day we embraced each other then looked into each other’s eyes and symbolically stated to one another, “how in the name of God did we do it?”
All I can do is share my part. I have found the following principles invaluable in the promotion of a solid marital union.
Commitment. I was raised Catholic and I regarded the marriage vows as sacrosanct, short of physical or profound emotional abuse. When we commit fully, we look for the positive and make the most of the negatives. In short, we grow. Remember Rabbi Heschel’s words: “Life without commitment is not worth living.”
Humility. This is a tough one for an orthopedic surgeon. We are accustomed to barking out orders in the operating room and clinic. The “surgical approach” to relationships doesn’t fly. When we are humble enough to admit our mistakes (“yes dear, I did say I would be home for dinner”), we cultivate a marriage culture of union – not separation.
Active listening. Indeed, “to love is to listen.” Another tough one for a surgeon. We are trained to multitask and make split second decisions. When we treat our spouse’s requests like a “call from the nurse’s station,” we are heading to separation. When your spouse asks you a question, do your best to give him or her your undivided attention. This action transmits love and the notion that you value your spouse.
Get help. My wife and I have battled the challenges of infertility, lawsuits, family of origin “demons” and many other forces subversive to a good marriage. We were blessed to find a superb therapist who greatly facilitated our growth as a couple. Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It is merely an indication that you want a better union.
I keep emphasizing the importance of a strong marriage as a means of overcoming the stressors of contemporary orthopedic practice. Investment in one’s marriage is simply the greatest earthly investment you can make toward a more peaceful life. With our silver wedding anniversary behind us, Marie and I are “goin' for the gold.”