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‘Jump starting’ personal growth can lead to enduring relationships
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I have written in previous blogs about the value of commitment and the blessings of a solid relationship with your spouse or partner. As busy orthopedic surgeons, it is very easy to drift apart from those we love and have committed our lives. As a colleague recently remarked, “Orthopedics is the ‘other mistress.’”
With increasing time demands and precious little time together, couples can easily drift apart. Communication lines dwindle and the closeness once experienced can dissipate rapidly. Often, someone else enters the picture and becomes “easier” to talk to and conversations may lead to more emotional closeness. Infidelity may then ensue.
If you value your marriage or partnership, emotional closeness to someone other than your spouse or partner is the red flag that the relationship needs mending. Studies show the single most common reason for infidelity is lack of emotional closeness to one’s partner. It is emotional intimacy which we all seek. Affairs are usually the culmination of a steady decline in connection between partners.
Grow or go
Dedicating our life to another is perhaps the greatest challenge we can embrace. The payoff is enormous. We grow beyond measure when we commit our lives to the well-being of another. When we become more accepting of our partner, we become kinder to ourselves. In truth, how we see and perceive our partner is how we see ourselves. We can learn to accept imperfection and forge a kindler gentler life for ourselves and others, or we can leave and bring our same baggage to the next relationship.
Most partners have many opposing qualities. One partner may be detail-oriented while the other partner may be very decisive and bottom-line oriented. Yet, personal growth flourishes when we can accept each other’s differences.
My wife, Marie, loves details and gives due diligence to everything she embraces. I am much more “surgical” and quick to make decisions. However, my wife has taught me patience and a unique ability to be more rational and patient in arriving at decisions. For me, accepting and learning to respect my wife’s style has been a “boot camp 101” for type a behavior.
When I speak of commitment, I by no means condone physical or emotional abuse. We are all valuable and deserve respect and dignity. Boundaries to certain behaviors apply. However, most conflicts and differences, apart from abject abusive behavior, can be resolved with patient understanding of one another and a large dose of forgiveness.
It is never too late
If there is someone in your life, outside of your committed relationship, whom you feel most comfortable and at ease in sharing, your union is in trouble. Get help in the form of counseling and make your relationship “numero uno.” Perhaps there are truly irreconcilable differences. However, differences present the greatest opportunities for growth.
Unchecked, emotional connection to another will easily lead to infidelity and ultimately dissolution of the union. When tempted, fast forward in your mind to the last scene. Is the dissolution of your union and damage to children worth it? Many families will be spared the anguish of separation if the warning signs are heeded early.
You can rekindle the flames of intimacy when you embrace the problem in the relationship head on. A trained couple’s therapist, along with individual therapy as needed, will jump start your personal growth and lead to a satisfying enduring relationship. There are many qualities which attracted you to this person in the first place. When you reclaim these qualities, you are on your way to a more cohesive and expansive union.