How is Your Wife's Countenance?

ByJohn D. Kelly IV, MD

“Do you want to know whether a man has character or not? All you have to do is look at his wife’s countenance, and everything that he’s invested or withheld will be in her face.”

– Visiting preacher to Bill McCartney, former National Champion Collegiate football coach and founder of Promise Keepers

This comment holds great wisdom. I have repeatedly emphasized the value of a strong marriage in one’s quest for a resilient and happy life. I suggest we each take an honest look at our spouse’s countenance (face) regularly so we can gauge our character and investment in our marriages.

Never too late

As one who frequents social events, I have increasingly become more aware of what the countenance of my colleagues and friends really says. For many, I see neglect and lack of affirmation. Others exude mere unhappiness and even loneliness. Some express a palpable feeling of “I am a married single.” Take a good look at your spouse’s face in public. What is it saying?

If you, like I have in the past, relegated your marriage secondary to your career, stop and realize that it is never too late to start anew. If you are 50% of the relationship, you are 50% of the problem. Take the time to spend together and reaffirm that your spouse is far more important than any bonus, title or accolade. The close bond you form will provide you with lasting energy and supercharge your ability to provide care for often demanding patients.

Investment means meeting issues head on. Take the time to be present, shower your spouse with affirmation and if there is a mood issue present, get professional help for each other.

If you are withholding from your spouse, take a hard look and ask why. Poor modeling from parents or your own internal pain may be the root cause.

Making decisions

As one who still struggles with many “issues” subversive to marriage (overwork, have trouble saying “no,” etc.), I have learned to look at my life in terms of decisions which help or hinder our “coupleness.” In every event, ask yourself, “is what I am about to say ‘yes’ to conducive to ‘coupleness’”? For example, agreeing to attend a conference where you both will attend and will enjoy a resort setting enriches closeness. However, agreeing to be on yet another committee, replete with more evening meetings, will not.

You will never attain peace and resiliency without a strong marriage. Your job, when you recited your vows, is to make your spouse feel loved and lovable. That is your mission. Invest, live the vows, answer the call to character and give without expecting anything in return. I am absolutely convinced that the attention we devote to living our vows holds the key to our growth and happiness.

Consecrate your life to your spouse and before you know it, others will refer to your spouse as “the person who is always smiling.”