Get the love you want

ByJohn D. Kelly IV, MD

Harville Hendrix, PhD, gave the world one of the most widely read and trusted books on relationships when his classic work, Getting the Love You Want, came to fruition. I have employed the wisdom contained in these pages to not only help enrich my marriage, but also heal myself of some old hurts.

In this masterpiece of self-help, Hendrix’s thesis is we all have unmet childhood needs which greatly influence our choice of a partner. Interestingly, most of us choose spouses based on “unfinished business.” We tend to choose partners on our imagos, or images of people who resemble our principle caretakers. The imago, to the primitive brain, represents our savior — the salve to our wounds of childhood. Ironically, our imagos may possess both the positive and negative traits of our parents. For example, if a father was a dependable and hard-working man but rarely gave affirmation or praise to his children, then his daughter may find herself married to someone who, albeit honorable, scarcely renders positive or encouraging words.

All of us possess a subconscious drive to be healed of old hurts. Again, whether we like it or not, we look to our partners for healing. When we find an imago fit, we fall “in love.” However, after the honeymoon phase, we ultimately recognize our partner’s flaws and foibles and come to the realization they aren’t the “answer” to all our problems. The person you were formerly head over heels in love with now begins to irritate you and cause you pain.

You ultimately recognize that your childhood needs are not being met through your choice of mate.

Commitment: Beginning of healing

Hendrix relates that the only true path to healing of old hurts and acquiring the love you want is in the context of a committed relationship. Hendrix states healing will take a lifetime and is best accomplished when we have the safety of a lifelong committed relationship. Commitment offers security and does not afford an “easy out” to do the real work of self-growth. Furthermore, our imago (partner), because he or she resembles our parental figure, offers the greatest opportunity for growth. Love anyway. It is the key.

Salvation from hurts and the real way to truly get the love you want is to love your spouse unconditionally anyway. Hendrix elaborates on the unconscious and primitive areas of the brain which receive signals continuously from our cerebral cortex. In essence our “old brain” cannot distinguish between loving actions directed at others vs. ourselves. Thus, the more we love others, especially our imago, the more and more our subconscious mind receives messages of love. In time, our old wounds will vanquish because we finally are getting the love we want. Ultimately, we will be more able to freely love our spouse. Our neediness will dissipate and we will be transformed into kinder, more fulfilled and therefore more loving beings. By extending love, we finally obtain the real love we want and all need. Furthermore, the most difficult times to extend love are the occasions we can grow the most. When it is especially difficult to love your spouse, usually an old childhood wound is activated.

Personal growth

Personal growth will crescendo upward as the more you love your spouse, the more he or she will extend love back to you. Furthermore, as you extend love anyway and stretch yourself beyond old limits, you will start to unearth hidden, repressed parts of yourself. For example, a man who lost the ability to show affection will reclaim this denied aspect of his being.

You may begin to understand the power of commitment. Dedication to one another affords the safety which is necessary for growth. In fact, when we leave committed relationships, we will bring our baggage to the next person.

This is not to condone codependency or tolerance of abuse. Continual acts of infidelity, physical or emotional abuse are deal breakers. However, in Hendrix’s estimation, the vast majority of relationships can be healed with committed, unconditional loving kindness to one another.

Try to stay the course the best you can and extend as much loving kindness as you can to your spouse or partner. Remember, it is more important to be the best spouse than choose the best spouse. Be mindful of any resistance to extend love and recognize an old hurt is activated. When we feed our old brain enough loving gestures (by extending love to our spouse) we will, in time, attain a much more loving, peaceful and resilient disposition. Over time, we will truly be getting the love we want.