BLOG: Forgiveness toward others and ourselves brings lasting peace

ByJohn D. Kelly IV, MD

The ability to forgive is an essential virtue. There can be no real and lasting peace without forgiving others and ourselves.

The residue of resentment carries into everything we do. When we harbor grudges and ill will, energy is depleted, perspectives are tarnished and we simply are not being our best selves to our families, friends and patients.

Origins of hurts

Many psychologists concur whenever we experience a powerful, painful emotion, often an old childhood hurt has been activated. An absent parent, abusive or demanding caretaker or imperialistic teacher may have wounded us in our early formative years. Without forgiving our past transgressors, these hurts will manifest, often with minimal provocation. Heated arguments, withdrawal and over-reactive behaviors are commonly the result of emotional damage incurred during our upbringing.

Harville Hendrix, PhD, has eloquently stated: “The trauma of childhood becomes the drama of adulthood.”

Difficulty in forgiving

Our pain is the largest barrier to offering forgiveness. Our anger is merely our pain projected outward. We may want our offenders to suffer for their sins. We may not feel fully satisfied unless “an eye for an eye” is paid in full. Our payback may be in the form of avoidance behavior, behind the scenes damaging gossip or even outright acts of subtle, yet willful, harm. I heard about a physician who intentionally did not answer a page from an estranged colleague “just to tick him off.”

Forgiving ourselves

Not surprisingly, the most forgiving people have a healthy self-concept. They have gained a measure of self-acceptance and while admitting their failures, they have also cultivated a deep sense of self compassion. Truly enlightened and forgiving souls recognize all people are imperfect and, by their very nature, will make frequent mistakes. They separate themselves from their behaviors. In essence, they are not their mistakes.

We cannot offer what we do not have. Those who have come to love and accept themselves can offer forgiveness more freely.

The way

Seek first to forgive all those who have offended you in childhood. Recognize that to understand all, is to forgive all. Our parents, imperfect as they were, did the best they could under their circumstances. My father drank excessively and inflicted damage on my sense of self. Years after his passing, I have come to accept that he struggled with a difficult disease. His real nature was one of kindness and compassion. In short, he did the best he could.

This exercise will yield tremendous dividends as our childhood hurts permeate into every close relationship.

Note whenever powerful emotions are elicited in yourself at work and at home. A button pushed may suggest an old hurt was triggered. Name this old wound so you can tame it.

Spiritual writer Hugh Prather has stated that if one wishes to learn about oneself, recognize what pushes one’s emotional hot buttons. An old childhood wound was likely activated. Use this knowledge as an opportunity for healing.

Recognize when negative energy arises within you, you are likely judging someone. Accept the truth that we are imperfect and we “sin” out of our hurt. Become aware of negative energy so you immediately direct your attention to all that is good about that person. We have a choice to either focus on all that is noble and admirable in someone or to focus on their flaws.

Be a loving presence anyway. Our hurts and pain undermine our abilities to be more loving and forgiving. If we extend love and forgive anyway, we slowly heal ourselves. As we see others, we see ourselves.

In today’s frenetic and overly demanding work culture, there is no room for resentment residue. As Lewis B. Smedes, PhD, said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”