BLOG: Life lessons from Mom

ByJohn D. Kelly IV, MD

The holidays were bittersweet for me this year as we recently buried my mother. Loretta T. Kelly lived a full 93 years and indelibly impressed three generations of Kellys by the simple and virtuous life she lived.

The lessons my mom imparted to me and other family members indeed live on and have molded my character more than any other singular influence. We can all have a more peaceful and satisfying New Year’s if we incorporate some of Mom’s example into our lives.

Live simply

Mom was born in a poor village in the mountains of Lebanon. Hadchit was renowned for its people, who were considered both strong in faith and constitution. Hard work was woven into the culture of the community and most eked out a living from raising crops or engaging in a trade. When my mom emigrated to the United States, she maintained this same simplicity. Real treasures were not to be found in lavish, extraordinary things; rather, a good meal and fellowship with loved ones were more than enough to keep her content.

“As you simplify your life, the laws of the Universe will be simpler: solitude will not be solitude; poverty will not be poverty; nor weakness, weakness.” – Henry David Thoreau

Family first

For the Lebanese culture, family was everything. Mom based every important decision in her life on the effects it would have on her nuclear family. When the task of raising twins (my brother and I) proved challenging, Mom enlisted the help of her own mother, who ultimately became a permanent resident of our household.

During a subsequent high-risk pregnancy (another set of twins), my mother suddenly hemorrhaged extensively and was near death. She entreated the doctors to save the babies at the expense of her life. Although my twin brothers succumbed to the effects of their premature delivery, mom was clear in her priorities — family first.

John D. Kelly IV, MD

When my siblings and I had the opportunity to attend private schools, Mom didn’t hesitate to work full time to finance educational expenses. Finally, upon learning of a modest inheritance after the death of a relative, Mom immediately surrendered the assets to be used for her children.

“The most important thing in the world is family and love.” – John Wooden

Faith is everything

My mother was the grandchild of a revered Lebanese priest and a firm faith in God was instilled into her from infancy. Mom’s faith in her God was unshakeable and enabled her to endure the great depression, a world war and the loss of her twin sons and husband with incredible resiliency. She exuded a quiet confidence and peace that others immediately sensed. Her quiet and humble, yet joyful, demeanor attracted all to her – young and old alike. Everyone wanted to be around Mom because she created a safe harbor to all she met. Her faith endowed her with a loving presence that was endearing and enticing. Mom’s grandchildren worshipped her and were mesmerized by her honesty, innocence and time-tested wisdom.

Scientific studies bear out what I witnessed: The close grandparent-grandchild bonds translate to improved childhood/adolescent emotional well-being.

Due to her attractive demeanor, my mom’s nursing home room was nearly constantly occupied by the flow of visitors and staff alike who reveled in her kindness.

“Be faithful in small things, because it is in them that your strength lies” – Mother Teresa

Say ‘yes’ to whatever life presents

My mother faced life head on. Whenever difficulty arose, she turned to her faith and summoned the strength to do whatever was necessary. When she considered marrying my father, she recognized she would have to leave the safe confines of the St. Louis Lebanese community and emigrate to the East Coast. Her “yes” resulted in a beautiful family culture in Delaware.

When expenses mounted and finances were low, she said “yes” to a second job so that the family would flourish. Upon my father’s diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease, she said “yes” to retirement to care for him. She said “yes” to hip, gallbladder and median nerve surgery when she recognized these were necessary. Finally, when she was about to succumb to the ravages of age and heart failure, she heroically said “yes” to withholding aggressive care so death would not be prolonged.

“The best way out is always through.” – Robert Frost

True legacy

As I peered at the filled church at Mom’s funeral, I recognized that the greatest legacy one can leave is the love they expended in their lifetime. My mother was not famous, nor was she endowed with great wealth or material accomplishment. She did, however, spend her 93 years as a loving and kind soul, dedicated to her God, her family and those in need. She treated everyone she met with dignity and respect, and served as an exemplar of a faith-filled simple, charitable and joyful life.

For that, her loss is grieved by a multitude.

“Love is the only rational act.” – Mitch Albom, “Tuesdays With Morrie”

It’s never too late

I spent the last few weeks of her life at her bedside every free moment, tending to her needs and making her as comfortable as possible. No case, no bonus, nor acclaim will ever approach the satisfaction of having a close relationship with a loved one.

Whenever I left Mom’s hospital room, I would always whisper in her ear “I love you Mom” to which I would uniformly hear a feeble response, muffled by an oxygen mask “I know.”

Dedicate this new year to enriching the relationships that are most important to you. Forgive, ask for forgiveness and tell all those close to you how much you love them.

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

Remember Loretta T. Kelly’s legacy: a simple life well lived; filled with faith, love and dedication to family. Aspire to incorporate her virtues into your life and 2018 will be a great year. I promise.

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.” - Irish Tombstone

Reference:

Attar-Schwartz S, et al. Children and Youth Services Review.2009:doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2009.05.007.