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BLOG: Forgiveness is the most powerful virtue
As burnout rates continue to increase across all categories of health care providers, there has never been a greater time to work on our inner lives. Surely, the exterior aspects of medicine are not going to improve soon enough. One honorable goal to aspire to is to become more forgiving. A forgiving spirit will yield immeasurable dividends in safeguarding oneself from despondency and burnout. Forgiveness also yields innumerable health benefits.
In truth, anger and hostility can wreak havoc on our heart health. Resilient people — those who can “bounce back” from difficulty — share many common characteristics, one of which is a forgiving spirit to others and themselves.
Carrying baggage, old hurts
Forgiveness frees us of the emotional energy attached to hurt. Hurt generates negative emotions and robs us of happiness joy and energy. When we carry around old hurts, we simply have less to give our family, friends and patients.
Imagine the compromised abilities a surgeon may bring to a long day of cases when last evening’s spat with a spouse still lingers on his or her mind.
One reason we find it difficult to forgive is the presence of old hurts, especially those from childhood. Whenever we react exuberantly to an offense, a childhood wound is usually activated.
My father, good man that he was, levied much criticism against me during my formative years. Thus, it is easy to understand why I used to be exquisitely sensitive to any critical remarks.
Healing our hurts
To forgive someone who has hurt you does not mean you are condoning a particular behavior. It by no means excuses that person for his or her offenses, nor does it mean you will enable another offense. Forgiveness means you are simply letting go of the pain.
When we forgive others, we are concomitantly healing ourselves. We project onto others how we see ourselves. In truth, when we forgive and accept others are they are — imperfect, flawed humans who are doing the best they can — we can begin to look at ourselves with more compassion. When we can begin to see others with loving and forgiving eyes, our gaze upon ourselves will be more kind.
Obstacles to forgiveness
Many of us are too proud to forgive, believing we will be portrayed as weak. Nothing is further from the truth. It takes great strength and character to forgive. Some believe that only when their offenders are sorry can forgiveness ensue. This is not so. The sooner we forgive; the sooner we will experience peace.
All too often, we wish our offenders to suffer and we may act out in a passive-aggressive mode to punish them further. Our resentment and hardened hearts are only hurting ourselves.
Finally, many delude themselves into thinking there will be a perfect time to forgive. There is simply no time like the present to free ourselves of hurt.
Empathy is key
Empathy is essential to fully forgive. Once we begin to see the world as our transgressor, we can understand — not necessarily condone — that person’s behavior. We must recognize we all sin out of our own hurts. What drove someone to hurt us was merely that person’s own pain projected outwardly.
The reactivity a coworker demonstrates to any feedback may be a manifestation of a childhood hurt delivered by a hypercritical parent. The scrub nurse who seems to be absolutely obsessed with detail may be expressing a fear of failure instilled by an alcoholic parent. An excessively demanding patient may have suffered a recent personal loss of a loved one and is looking for solace from a potential healer. Lastly, the orderly with a seeming lack of ambition may have been told repeatedly by a parent that he “would never amount to anything.”
Tips on forgiveness
Recognize the toll an unforgiving sprit exacts on your health and personal joy. Practice mindfulness. When we are present, all former hurts vanquish. Own “your stuff.” What pushes one’s buttons holds the key to healing an old childhood wound.
Be a love finder, not a fault finder. Looking for the good and practicing gratitude for the merits in another will dissipate all that may irk you about that person. Practice compassion. By seeing the world through another’s eyes, one will usually find the reasons for offensive behavior.
As Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison, and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
References:
Chan, DW. "Subjective well-being of Hong Kong Chinese teachers: The contribution of gratitude, forgiveness, and the orientations to happiness." Teaching and Teacher Education. 2013;32:22-30.
Miller TQ, et al. "Meta-analytic review of research on hostility and physical health." Psychological Bulletin.1996;322.
Tuck I, et al. "Forgiveness, flourishing, and resilience: The influences of expressions of spirituality on mental health recovery." Issues in Mental Health Nursing. 2014;35.4:277-282.
Worthington EL, et al. "Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: Theory, review, and hypotheses." Psychology & Health. 2004:19.3:385-405.