BLOG: Are you an approval addict?

ByJohn D. Kelly IV, MD

Everyone has an innate need to experience a connection with others and feel appreciated. However, when the approval of others becomes a chief driving force in our lives, happiness and peace will be elusive. When our mission is to seek the approval of others, we sacrifice our true calling, our own dreams, our principles and our true identity. The quest to seek to be liked by all ultimately leads to frustration and disappointment and places one at a higher risk for burnout.

Origins of approval addiction

Invariably, approval addicts experience some loss of self-esteem. Their sense of self has likely been compromised during their formative years, perhaps by a critical or absent parent. Children of alcoholics particularly fall prey to this affliction. An intrinsic lack of self-worth can prompt one to ease deep feelings of inadequacy by striving to earn the approval of others. To the approval addict, feeling liked by others is the “fix” needed to experience some semblance of self-worth.

Are you an approval addict? Hale Dwoskin, author of the The Sedona method: Your key to lasting, happiness, success, peace and emotional well-being, offers some clues as to whether approval of others has run rampant in your life. He offers the following questions, which have been modified to pertain to a vocation in orthopedic surgery:

Do you consider yourself a “people pleaser?”

Will you do anything your chairman requests of you, even if it is unreasonable or puts you under excessive pressure?

Do you have trouble saying no?

Do you take on extra obligations only to feel resentful later?

Have you postponed your dreams because someone told you not to pursue them?

Are you not even sure what your dreams are?

Do you neglect your own needs?

If you do something that someone doesn’t approve of, do you subsequently experience feelings of guilt?

If some of these questions resonate within you, then perhaps you need to reclaim your life.

Recovery can happen

The scourge of approval addiction can be conquered. However, like all meaningful change, it will require decisions. The antidote to approval addiction is to embrace and experience self-approval. Recognize that the voice of “you are not good enough” does not emanate from your source. Let this voice pass along in the background of your mind as you attend to this present moment.

The following steps may prove helpful in effecting recovery of the compulsive need to be liked:

First, decide to admit that people pleasing occupies too much of your sense of value and consumes too much of your emotional energy. When we recognize the price we pay for giving our power away to others, we will awaken to the need for change.

Second, label and create space from approval-seeking thinking. Separate yourself from thoughts of trying to look good amongst others at all costs. We are not our thoughts and in time, we can watch the dysfunctional thinking that will only lead to discontent.

Third, recognize that all our value comes from within. Our creator endowed us with intrinsic worth that is immutable and cannot be increased merely because others like us.

Lastly, spend some quiet time and discern your life’s work. A good start is to identify what are your gifts and how can they be used to serve the world. Be true to this calling and write a personal mission statement that is independent of anyone else’s opinion. Recognize that not everyone will agree with you.

When we are true to ourselves and recognize that approval of others is subversive to our life’s work, we will be truly free. If we are making everyone like us, then we have lost our sense of purpose and mission.

It is time to release oneself from the demon of approval addiction and begin today to answer your true calling. Each of us are called to do a great service to the world that is unique and applies to our distinct skill set. No one else should dictate your actions and your life’s work.

Try this exercise

Resist the temptation to answer emails first thing in morning. Do what you which to accomplish in a day first.

Dedicate some quiet time to discern your life’s work. When you recognize what your real vocation is, do not let the agendas or approval of others interfere.

Once you become clearer of your true calling, write a personal mission statement and the goals you have determined for your life.

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Sir Winston Churchill

References:

Dwoskin H. The Sedona method: Your key to lasting, happiness, success, peace and emotional well-being. SCB Distributors. 2011.

Meyer J. Approval Addiction. Hachette, UK. 2012.