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Perfection: Don’t fall victim to an illusion that can harm your life, family and career
We need to recognize that mistakes and imperfection are part of the human condition that allow us to grow and learn.
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One of the great “scourges” against a balanced life is the demon of perfectionism. When we always aim to be perfect, we are sowing the seeds to a life of frustration, unhappiness and poor self esteem.
Origins of perfectionism
Perfectionistic traits often arise from psychological wounds of childhood. Children who experience emotional trauma, especially the withholding of love from a parent, come to believe that they must prove their worth. They may have suffered emotional abuse from a critical parent who always seemed to make the child feel that he or she was always “short of the mark.”
There are also some indications that perfectionism is linked to innate obsessive compulsive traits that are more or less hard wired, rather than acquired through previous psychic injury.
Perfectionists simply are not a happy lot. Fear, rather than inspiration, drives them. They continually feel anxious, afraid of the next challenge which must be handled in a perfect manner. They procrastinate, waiting for the perfect time to complete a project. Furthermore, they may take hours to complete a task, fearful that the result is not perfect.
In his or her efforts to complete the flawless task, the perfectionist throttles creativity and simply does not allow passion and inspiration — two positive motivators — to manifest. Furthermore, perfectionists make unrealistic demands from those they associate with both at work and at home.
Needless to say, perfectionistic traits are brutal on intimate relationships — especially marriage. No spouse can perfectly fill the order completely in the eyes of the perfectionist.
As a perfectionist in recovery, I can vividly recall the 90-minute knee scopes I performed early in my career. They simply were not enjoyable and I subjected my patients (and staff) to excessive time in the OR. Needless to say I endured my share of complications related to inordinate anesthesia, tourniquet time and wound exposure.
Recovery
Perfectionism arises from distorted thinking. Perfection is an illusion – it does not exist. In order to recover from perfectionism, it is helpful to first recognize the toll it is exacting on your life. Are your cases less fun than you envisioned? Are you putting things off or declining opportunities because you fear that you can’t complete them perfectly. Take inventory of what you may be expecting from those close to you. Is your marriage faltering because your spouse or partner is not living up to your standards?
Be “more average”
My perfectionism led me to become depressed and anxious. A talented therapist helped me to examine my maladaptive thoughts and recognize how untrue they were. I learned to develop awareness of distorted, perfectionistic thoughts and to detach myself from them. I literally learned to label them and watch them from a distance.
I further practiced returning to the present moment and let inspiration, rather than fear or anxiety, direct my actions. I dared to be “more average” and to “let it flow” more in my life. I realized that when I dared to be average I was still striving for excellence — I just wasn’t obsessing over it and beating myself up for mistakes.
It’s all good
Recognizing that mistakes and imperfection are part of the human condition was helpful. My mistakes helped me grow in ways I would have never experienced had my life unfolded perfectly. As an educator, I endeavor to teach residents that we learn most from the cases that don’t go so smoothly. In other words, it’s all good. We feel great when we nail a case, but we can also be grateful for what we learned from the errant screw or miscalculated exposure.
When we let go, simply do our best and expect good things to happen our lives will yield a stream of productivity never before realized. When we are relaxed, in the moment, and open to inspired and creative thought, our cases will begin to flow. We will make the diagnosis in the office by what first comes to our open minds, rather than being obsessing, anxious and fearful that we will miss something. Finishing tasks will become fun and our lives will blossom.
Tips
Some practical tips for the perfectionist in you:
- recognize that perfection is in illusion, a lie that your mind would like you to believe;
- take stock of how perfectionism is taking the enjoyment out of life and how it is robbing you of truly creative and inspired thought;
- label the voice of perfectionism and watch it from a distance — when you feel the impulse to go for perfect, stop, breathe, get back to the present moment and trust the gentle movements of your spirit or intuition;
- Make a decision to try to be more average; I am not talking about irresponsible behavior, rather an attitude that you are merely doing your best and commit yourself to letting your talents flow and not stifle them by trying too hard.
For more information:
- John D. Kelly IV, MD, can be reached at can be reached at University of Pennsylvania, Dept. Sports Medicine 235 S. 33rd St., Philadelphia, PA 19104-6322; 215-615-4400; e-mail: johndkellyiv@aol.com.