Marriage: Your life depends on it

Great marriages are partnerships, in which each member promotes the other’s growth.

Current times are challenging for orthopedic surgeons. Economic conditions may even get worse before they improve. Stressors abound and it is easy to feel discouraged. A principle stress shield is a sound marriage – an essential resource for those who are to successfully navigate today’s times.

Marriage is under siege as the divorce rate nationally is approximating 50%. Marital distress has been labeled as the single largest cause of adult depression. We are experiencing a generation of broken families, wounded children and an age of anxiety.

However, there are things we can do to enrich, if not save, our marriages and ensure huge dividends for our happiness and well being.

Love is a decision

Good marriages just don’t happen: we determine their outcome and quality by the daily decisions we make. When we fall out of love, the work of marriage begins.

John D. Kelly IV

When we sow the seeds of kindness, honesty and extend loving actions to our spouses daily, we will be blessed by a return of loving gestures. When we take the lead in the dance of marriage and recognize that the life of “married singles” is simply not an acceptable option, we begin to create a lifelong blessing. Our marriages are simply as good as we decide them to be.

Perhaps you were raised in a highly dysfunctional family and lack a good model for marriage. It is difficult to embark on the journey of marriage enrichment without a good roadmap. Let’s briefly examine some characteristics that good marriages share so that we can aspire to attain them.

All good marriages share a lasting commitment, a sacred trust that no matter what “we are in this for the long haul.” Clearly, there are exceptions: abusive relationships where one’s dignity is violated do not warrant continued suffering. However, the vast majority of unions are worth saving. When we decide to be the best partner we can be, chances are the marriage will endure. Hang in there: a full 72% of unhappily married couples are happier when questioned 5 years later.

Mentor or tormentor

Great marriages are a partnership, whereupon each member is engaged in promoting the other’s growth. We can look at our spouses as someone who “pushes our buttons” or as one who can teach us more about ourselves than anyone else on the planet.

A psychological truth is we project onto others what we dislike in ourselves. The next time you find yourself complaining, “I can’t believe he/she did that!” stop and reflect on what quality in you are you struggling with?

Similarly, when you find your spouse pushing your buttons, realize a childhood hurt may be responsible. Exaggerated hurt and anger indicate some unfinished business from childhood that is ripe for healing. We can run away from these issues, but the truth remains that if we decide to leave our spouses, we will carry this baggage to the next relationship.

Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting the Love You Want, states that the “Trauma of childhood becomes the drama of adulthood.” He also labels divorce “An abortion of the growth process.”

When we tackle the unfinished business of childhood, our lives will become more satisfying than we could have ever imagined. When we make the proactive decision to love our spouses – anyway, despite our tendencies otherwise – we are beginning to heal ourselves of the wounds that we have carried our entire lives. When we decide to look for the good in our spouses, we are also looking at ourselves with a gentler, forgiving spirit. The importance of embracing marriage as an opportunity for healing cannot be overstated.

Gentleness and humility

All great unions share a culture where each spouse respects one another and treats one another with kindnesses and humility. Each kind action we extend to our spouse adds yet another deposit to the “emotional bank account” of the union. When the account is high, your spouse is much more able to endure the call-nights and long hours our profession demands.

Humility is essential to establish trust and equality. Happy marriages are founded on fairness and the regard of each partner as an equal. Frequent apologies go a long way in ensuring a culture of equality. Rather than saying “I am sorry,” the expression “Do you forgive me?” is less self-centered and essentially conveys the notion that “you deserve better.”

Communication

Communication is the lifeline of love. All great couples communicate honestly and regularly. It is hard to love someone fully when we do not know them. When we decide to set aside some portion of our day, solely to our spouses, we are affirming their worth and ensuring that intimacy is renewed.

It doesn’t take a great deal of time to stay connected. Dedicating as little as 15 minutes a day to your spouse can plant the seeds of emotional connection by growing in understanding and knowledge of one another.

Our happiness and the happiness of our children depend on the quality of this lifelong union. Regard your marriage with profound reverence and you will experience more peace, security and growth than you ever imagined.

From the editor:

Look in the August issue of Orthopedics Today for the next Your Practice/Your Life column. In it James Esch, MD, will convey his thoughts on how making the most of the present moment will enable you to maintain serenity, even in the most stressful times.

For more information:

• John D. Kelly IV, MD, can be reached at can be reached at University of Pennsylvania, Dept. Sports Medicine 235 S 33rd St., Philadelphia, Pa. 19104-6322; 856-985-0851; e-mail: johndkellyiv@aol.com.

Reference:

• Hendrix H. Getting the love you want: A Guide for Couples. New York; Henry Holt and Company. 1988.