Handling death of patients

I'm going to do something a little different with this blog post. A friend recently e-mailed a question to me that a lot of non-oncology types ask a lot. I thought I would put the e-mail up here and ask how you would have answered this question.

Q: How do you deal with all the death? Because I really don’t find you jaded at all.

A: That's a tough question because most of the time I "just deal." But as I think about it some more, there are a few things I have adopted which seem to help. In the course of my job, I find small victories to be meaningful — if it is only about dying/living, we are all going to lose that game eventually. By this I mean, I really relish when patients make it to a major life event like a graduation. Or when they have a really good pain-free, good-energy week. I cherish every day that goes by in my life without any illness or drama or accidents ... because working this job has taught me that you never really know when it could be you. This helps me stay grounded and thankful for what I do have (this approach is called gratitude or joy tracking).

Every night at dinner, I ask my daughters, "What is the best thing that happened to you today? What are you thankful for?" Usually it's things like "The Wonder Pets!" but at least I hope they are getting the sense that nothing comes for free and life can be very fleeting, though we hope it is not. I also find it is important to exercise, be emotionally healthy (meaning, get therapy if I am feeling burnt out or depressed), and keep my chronic medical conditions under tight control ...

I also go to a fair number of funerals. That helps me with the closure.

Likewise, I save every card, gift, memento, etc, that a patient or family has given me (filed under a folder labeled "why I do this job.")

Partially I do this because it helps me realize that someone does appreciate my work when I am feeling down, but also I remain connected in some way to that person and that family.